Two.:.Four.:.Six

At times, it's easier than I thought and of course, at times, not. Ironically, I spent my last day of break tidying up my room, sweeping & mopping the floor. Packed the "past memories" into a secret compartment & freed some space in the wardrobe to welcome new pieces. Tomorrow is a new beginning. Wish me luck.

Whenever I'm feeling down, I either eat or sleep. Lately, food doesn't seem to help. Which is a good thing anyway - helps me achieve my ideal weight sooner - I'm just short of 1kg. And sleep? It sure wasn't a good night... The doctor called this morning. He said my dad's medical report isn't too good. I can only hope for the best. It sux when you can do nothing to help.

Last ride to work. Coffee Bean's Mini Cupcakes for them. Some of my ex-colleagues: 1) Circulation (previous manager) *No pic with my replacement because she pissed me off that day. Just imagine her as someone half my size or like what my colleague call her - 'drug addict'. 2. Janitor, Auntie Karen Loves buying 4D & Toto. Loves to gossip & complain. But she's very nice to me :) 3. Editorial 4. Graphics 5. Accounts 6. Teens 7. ETM Goodbye people, my desk punch card machine and you . *** I missed the Halloween party yesterday. Boo hoo... But we had a good laugh at ourselves while shopping for & fooling around with the gears.

Mr. C said, "You're such an insecured person. Your life is like episodes of a TV drama. You shouldn't keep talking about the sad things." He said.... Too many things. It's ok. You probably don't remember anyway. And it would have been better & easier if you didn't say certain things. They said... A lot. And I ask, who's gonna listen to what I say?

Yes, you are very selfish. But why can't I find a reason to hate you? Crying out loud, like a kid, does not mean you are one again. It only means you have to face the music like an adult, as soon as you wipe your tears. I don't like this at all. But do I have a choice?

In about 6hrs time, although not officially, I'm no longer part of Eastern. But I'm sure a part of me has been taken away...

It's not quite over. I broke down again.

The impromptu shopping trip with my girlies was good. The singles of the group even wore identical outfits. Talk about chemistry... I ended up with 4 bags of stuff that weren't on my "intended shopping list" and I conveniently forgot to buy the things that I should. Damage done: $300+ As much as my account balance does not justify the way I spent yesterday, I couldn't & didn't care less (as usual). Only because, One, I couldn't resist the dress I've been eyeing for months and I couldn't break the promise I made to myself - if there's a 50% sale, it's gonna be mine! Although it was only 40%, I love it so much that I could 'close one eye'. Well, perhaps SOME good things are really worth waiting for... Two, I need new clothes for my new job. Three, they are either sale or value-for-money items. See, although I said I don't care, I didn't just flash my credit card for no good reason (*cough...defensive...cough). After a 4hrs sho...

Alcohol is bad. It makes you do or want to do stupid things. I almost did but decided against it. Phew... I wasn't that drunk after all. I've always been a lousy drinker but more so lately. Then I figured, it's the mood and how much you want yourself to be drunk. It's all in the mind. One more week for me. Cheers to a better future and a new beginning! Going for my overdue shopping session and more drinks tonight. "Healthy" drinks for me that is. Enjoy your weekend!

How often do you get all your exes contact you on the same day? How often can you get your guy friend, who's not going after you, to come all the way from East to pick you up after work, when it's not quite 'on the way'? Not often I suppose. I must remember yesterday.

White Chick, I've changed my blog colour. He's good. I've been trying to search for this song but as usual, I don't know the singer & the song title. He managed to find it. Just by listening to the lyrics. If you wander off too far, my love will get you home If you follow the wrong star, my love will get you home If you ever find yourself lost and all alone, get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.... If you do not wish to see, feel, hear and think, nothing can "get you home". Perhaps you never wanted to go home... Nevertheless, I was overjoyed when my bro played this song on his Mac. Sometimes, I'm really just that simple, easily pleased girl... *** Yes, it was about you and I've never intended to hide it. And yes, it may still be about you every now & then. But, it can't always be can it? I ought to give myself a break. Be true to yourself...

It just shows 3 things. One, I've not exercised for a long time. Make it very very long because I can't remember when was the last. Two, I'm lousy, considering that I only took over the controller for 3 games. Three, my buddies probably have it worse than me. On another note, I didn't only eat a lot yesterday. It started on Sat and I forsee more coming since I happily scheduled a few dinner appointments for this week. I ate so much that my stomach doesn't feel good. I'm probably skipping lunch. The thought of food makes me sick and that's rare. Overeating is bad. How many times do I need to tell myself that? I never learn. On another another note, my mum warned me about the security at my ulu neighbourhood. Her friend's daughter had a Blangadesh worker follow her to the lift the other night. Luckily she had called the mum to pick her up... Nowhere is safe. Maybe I should pick up some self-defense moves. Especially when Wii proved that I can't punch t...

Thanks to Wii, I think my buddies enjoy themselves today. I'm not a gaming person so I did what I do best - eating. Within that few hrs, we stuffed ourselves with 2 packets of potato chips, some chocolates, 1 bottle of Ribena, some white grape juice, a few slices of Sara Lee cake, some Wang Wang biscuits & my mum's bee hoon. It's been a few weeks since I ate so much. I enjoyed it though. And I enjoyed their company even more. We'll Wii again!

It pays to whine. All I did was to say "I'm healing...what are you all gonna do to make me feel better?" and I got myself a partially sponsorsed haircut & coloring + a fully sponsored Mango bag! Awww... I'm loved.

I did something I did before, I was reminded of a similar situation; and I'm clearly aware that today, is no longer like those days. Do I pretend it doesn't hurt or do I make it not hurt?

It's a week since I tendered. And two more weeks to my last day. *** People like me can't save. For long. I've been eyeing this Mango bag for the longest time but didn't get it due to my reluctance to part with my $50 & my attempt to erm...save. I own one now :) Only because my aunt was able to get a 25% discount. I love discounts. And I thought, might as well get the Anna Sui blusher too. (Btw, its retail price is $41! It better make me erm...prettier). So, my attempt to save (initially), (eventually) made me poorer by 70 bucks. And I thought my Maths was good... *** Sometimes, you need to lose something or someone to know how important it/he/she is to you. And if it/he/she comes back to you, you may treasure it/him/her a lot more. Or, you may realise it/he/she is actually not that important after all and you are just as fine without it/him/her. I have a few regrets. Must this be another one? I know I could have done better but if I'm denied a chance, what else...

They say your eyes don't lie. I looked at my recent pictures. I was smiling but I don't see happiness in my eyes. I just see someone trying to be positive. And something is obviously missing. Where is she? I wish I can look at yours again. Perhaps they may give me some answers. I looked at your picture yesterday because my mum asked for it. Look at those eyes, she told me. They are so kind and real... I was behind you the other day. Twice in fact. Did you feel it? Did you know? It hurts to see you walk away but I couldn't bear to turn away. Will you ever turn? If you turn, will I dare to look? My girlies always talk about my inability to appreciate cute stuff. Remember how I stood aside awkwardly while you girls were going gaga over the "tikam" machines at Wheelock Place some years back? What's so fascinating about those stuff, I asked myself. Ha, two Sundays ago, we contributed two dollars to the machines. At that moment, I felt like a kid all over again. I h...

Whether or not I can handle the truth, is not up to you. Who are you to judge? For my own good... How can you leave me out of it & decide what's good and what's not for me? I'm not a kid. Pls stop treating me like one. I feel like a puppet now... I'm not ok but pls leave me alone. Thank you.

After some what ifs, hints & reminders, I went back to where I was.

My job amuses me sometimes. Or rather, the people I meet or deal with in my job. At times, I feel like I'm a salesgirl. Can I have the biggest size? What other colours do you have? Can I have this? Can I have that? Other times, I'm like an admin assistant. Data entry. Filing. Answering phone calls - very duh enquiries & occasional unreasonable callers. I know. Multi-task. Most jobs are like that nowadays. Why don't our titles be Multi-Tasker then? I can't wait to get out. But you , you're different. Hang in there!

Always trust a woman's instinct... Well, maybe not always but mine are particularly strong & accurate today. I wonder if it's a good or bad thing to prove yourself right. No matter how smart a woman is, she has to learn to be dumb at the right time. No matter how much a man admires a woman's intelligence, he needs her to be dumb at the right time. I'll learn. Of course, don't act smart and think you know best when you actually don't. Like the people from my office who think I'm leaving because of him. I expected it and I can't control what they want to say but really, how much do we understand someone to judge? And who are we to judge? I wouldn't say I've been through a lot the past week but a break up, resignation, fever & PMS all combined together is quite something isn't it? Well, we fall, we pick ourselves up and we move on... That's life. I'm healing faster than I have expected. And that's a good thing.

It's been a week... But to you, I know it's been more than a week since you wanted to give up. And if you think I'm still pinning any hope of getting back together, I am really not. Why would I when I know you're happy to regain your freedom and that I've never matter that much to you? I know the tears were more for yourself. You felt more sorry for yourself than for me. You know you are happier so why did you claim you will be? To make yourself feel better or to tell me another white lie? You asked me not to think about you being the alcoholic again. If you didn't care, why does what I think matter? Strange thing is, I didn't really have an issue about you drinking and even smoking. I only had an issue after you said you're gonna give up. Remember you were the one who told me you've been drinking a lot lesser even before you met me? Why did it conveniently become me trying to change you when you were the one who suggested changing? Perhaps it'...

Some things are just not meant to be... At least it didn't turn out that bad. One ending often leads to another beginning. I must believe it's gonna be good. Mum, Dad, White Chick, Yi Ma, Hazel, Heidi, Jooe, Ian, Megan, Shuxin, Jiahui, Huishan, Tian Lin, Eugene, Ling, Jan & Kailun, I thank you for being here. I love you! :) Mr. Grumpy, I thank you for everything. Smile more! :)

If I didn't turn, I wouldn't have saw him. If the taxi queue wasn't that long, we would have bumped into each other. Was it better to have met or was it better to see than to be seen? I really don't know. I've ran through the scenarios in my head. Say hi and smile or even make some small talks should we meet... Question is, is it that easy? To me, there are two sides to each issue I've been thinking about, and like a coin, whether I flip to the head or to the tail, I'm bothered by it. And when I asked myself how I felt just now, I couldn't quite find an answer. All I know is it wasn't a good feeling either. I thought I was ok until.... Oh well, everything happens for a reason. Continue to have faith... my colleague told me. I'll try :)

You look happy... My boss-to-be told me. Haven't heard that for a while and certainly didn't expect it. At least not now. But, to a certain extent, I agree with her. See, I'm working on it. And the chocolates, card, calls, smses really help. I will be happy and I hope that without me, you'll be happier too.

I've always been very careful when I clear my phone messages because I've accidentally cleared some very important messages which I intended to keep. Yesterday night, I read them all over again. One last time, I told myself. I looked at the dates. Some were so current. Even the old ones seem like yesterday... I looked at the words. They were so sweet. Now, they hurt even more... I closed my eyes, like how I would while watching a horror movie, and pressed 'Cleanup Messages'. Everything was gone, in that split second. But not the pain. Yesterday's 2hrs conversation was really good. If everything goes well and both of us are still single by next Apr/May, I'll be flying to Perth. No, we are not getting married. Good things are worth waiting for... The 2nd time my cousin said that to me, I told her I used to hear that too... And I've stopped believing in it. Well, when you're already at your lowest, nothing much can bring you down even further and eventually...

To say it's a FUCKED UP day is just an understatement!

I guess when something's gonna happen, it will. Deleting the it's-the-end post didn't help to not end things. It really, is, as much as I hate to say it, the end. Ended on a no more passion note. Ended with so much determination. Ended with so much doubts. On my part that is. (It must be karma.) Your words, sting, once again. Unlike previously, they are here to stay permenantly. And it's not gonna be "back to normal" anymore. As I drift in and out of reality, the pain comes and go. If tears help ease the pain, I don't mind the swollen, puffy, tired eyes; or even my mascara & eyeliner smudge. Truth is, it just gets more painful. I teared. I sobbed. I cried. Out loud. I stopped. Then the cycle started all over again. I didn't feel better eventually. I went to work today... While keeping myself busy, I suddenly felt this heartache. It was such a foreign feeling. And I knew at that very moment, I'm defeated. I appreciate everyone's concern. ...