Two.:.Four.:.Six

We don't celebrate Christmas but we do treat it as one of the occasions to get together, feast and have fun. A few years ago, my cousin, the main organiser introduced lucky draw and it got everyone very excited. Nothing too fanciful but the aunties and the two old folks were always eyeing the NTUC vouchers :) The first year we did it, I wasn't there cos I was at a friend's wedding. Popo won the grand prize :) They sent a video through and in the video, everyone was very happy. I have watched it a couple of times and it's one of those happy videos that make people cry. She won something subsequently and there was a year I won the grand prize, a hamper and I swooped with her sandwich maker. Last year, she said she would be looking forward to this year's. But there won't be any party. She won't be there anymore. Every Chinese New Year, we'd gather at my uncle's place on the second day. It has always been my favourite day although we have non C...

A lot. And I can't stop.

Being childless bothers me more now than ever. Perhaps it's my biological clock - I'm slower than others at times. Perhaps it's the question my grandma asked a week before she passed on. She asked if I don't want kids. Well, the answer is no. I loved kids. I have always wanted two kids - one girl and one boy, like my brother and I. Very typical I know but I was pretty good with kids when I was young. I adore my cousins, nieces & nephew but it came to a point when I realised it's too big a responsibility. And my love for kids reduced. It just wasn't strong enough for me to commit. Then work came along... travel and whatnot. Then 6 years of married life passed by. And today or rather the last few days, I started to hate myself for being selfish. The husband loves kids and I've seen how good he is around kids. Reality is he isn't young and doesn't have the healthiest lifestyle. And then it's my grandma. I know she would have loved ...

Some things you just gotta learn on your own. People tell you it hurts but they don't tell you how much it hurts. Even when you are grieving with and like everyone else, you still feel alone. The void that will be there from now on, nothing can fill that up. The voice that we are so familiar with, we can only hear it in our heads now. Mom asked us to look up to the sky when we miss you. When it's sunny, I thought of how you hated the sun. When it's gloomy, I thought of how the sky grieves with us too. When it's fine, I thought of how well you are now. And that comforts me. Because the weather was that fine the day we said goodbye. Some people take longer than others. I'm afraid for me, this time, I'm that some people. Day 11 without you.