Two.:.Four.:.Six

So your first year death anniversary has came and gone. And I think almost everyone is better than a year ago. Still, we all miss you. I can't pinpoint the one thing I miss most about you. Is it your voice? Is it your cooking? Is it the final goodbye? Or is it just you being there? We are never quite ready for death are we?

This is the 19th month I've been running a business and there were times I couldn't believe it myself. Me? Someone who is not driven by numbers, hates targets and knows almost nothing about running a business. But I survived. I wanted a breakeven in the first year but it came six months later. Still pretty good results if I dare say so I can't be that bad after all?

We are 6 months to the end of the 2-year lease and I have not quite decided the next step. A few shops around us have decided to exit and business has also slowed down the last few months. It's really not easy to sustain and push yourself forward sometimes. But one thing's for sure, even if I do decide to stop next year, I have gained valuable experience and fulfilled my childhood dream; and these are good enough.

Today I walk past a senior citizen corner. I saw some of them dressed in those floral blouses you used to wear. They were watching a Cantonese drama. I thought of you immediately and I didn't dare look at the old folks. I always look away whenever I see an old lady who dresses like you or who is in a wheelchair or with a domestic helper. I'm afraid if I stare at that person any longer, I would miss you even more. But the fact is, I miss you a lot. I think of you everyday. And I'm not alone. I've cried lesser nowadays. But I have not stopped reminding myself the good and happy times, the things you said; the things you would say. Why are you gone so soon?

I think I was just conned into giving a lady membership discount. She was smooth I gotta say and I didn't want to be a bitch today to reject her. So an item sold and I have a new member today. Perhaps it's not that bad after all. Anyway, I've had some roll-eyes conversation and this really tops it: Customer: You are not gonna close down after I become a member right? Me: (WTF in my head!!!) Huh? No la... And there's no membership fee (wtf do you have to lose?! in my heart) Customer: Later I become member and you close down how..? Me: (A little annoyed) Touch wood lei Customer: (A little embarrassed & laughed it off) ## Seriously? Sometimes I wish I can say everything out loud.

21 May was the 6th month since popo left us. Come June, it'd be my yeye's one year death anniversary. And then we are halfway through 2017. Are you doing something meaningful or something you like right now? Because if you are not, you really should think about how you want to lead your life. Time waits for no one. Time has eased the pain but it doesn't heal you completely. I've learned. I've been feeling rather annoyed the last few days by some customers. I don't understand why people behave the way they do at times. Why can't everyone just be nice or be a little more considerate? Is it really that tough? Less than a year left for this two-year plan of mine. To be honest, I've not completely decided on what's next. I'm never a big fan of planning because things often don't go your way, do they? The last year made me realise more so, that things just happened, when you least expected it... and you just gotta suck it up and dea...

You would have turned 78 a few days ago. We would be feasting at your place and singing the birthday song in English, Mandarin and Cantonese. We would take turns to snap a picture with you. It's usually your six children first, then the 10 grandchildren. This year, it would be a complete 10 and a new great grand daughter. I saw this video which uncle recorded for us when you were admitted last January and we were in NYC. You called our names several times, asked us not to worry about you and reminded us a few times to keep warm cos it was snowing. Sometimes, I can't believe how crazy 2016 has been. How could so many things happen within a year? It's only 365 days. Is it really that long? I miss you...

The other day, we talked about you. That one of our biggest fears is that we may not remember your voice, your mannerisms and... you. Does this happen? Will we ever forget? After all, we have shared so much together. I think we are just being paranoid but you know we are only human and forgetful ones at times. I was looking at the family photo the other day. The only complete one and it was such a happy day. It was ah gong's birthday and we were all dressed in blue, his favourite colour. You didn't like it cos you thought it's not very auspicious but it looked good in the photo. Does everyone remember that day? Those happy times we spent together? Will we ever forget how close we used to be? I miss you a lot.

When I was young, I would wonder why popo needed so many clothes. Little did I know. When I was young, my aunt told me that it's ok that I'm not pretty. Dressing up helps a bit. That I remembered. When I was young, I hated shopping. Buying CNY clothes in particular because my build was an awkward one. I had a build of a teenager when really, I haven't reached puberty. So when I was older and understood what suited me, I, well, started shopping. I was already shopping at Topshop then when I had zero income. In a way, they were my only saviour for jeans because the Asian cut and even Levis just don't suit me. I've only owned one pair of Levis in my entire life, ha because I've always thought they are for the skinny girls! So I don't know when and how I want to run my own business when I grow up and that clothes, being closest to me, was what I wanted to sell. It took me many years to finally take the leap. Well, because we learned that popo was not...

Food is very important in my family. My popo is a great cook. In fact, she started cooking for her family as young as 9! Gosh, what were you doing at 9? She always believes that the younger you are, the earlier you should eat. Adults can starve but kids can't. That's why the grandchildren under her care are never skinny, haha. Ahem, yours truly included. The other day, I told Fat that I miss her and he told me it's normal. So I joked that if it's normal, does it mean he misses her too. And he said he misses her curry chicken. WTF! Why would you miss a person's food and not the person? Well, I guess it goes to show how good a cook popo is. And then I realised popo impresses me by remembering everyone's favourite food. She takes pride in her food and is the happiest when we enjoy them, which we do most of the time. Fat is her grandchild in-law yet she knows and remembers what he likes. She would always ask us over for curry chicken, chicken rice, ask the h...

I still miss popo a lot. I yearn to hear her voice, to see her, talk to her, buy her favourite food for her.... but all I have left are memories. I had a fall on Wednesday and I remembered I used to fall and injure myself at least once a year when I was in primary school. Popo would tell me to place the injured leg on the toilet bowl so that water would not touch it and sting the wound. I dreamt of her again and for the first time, her face was right in front of mine. I'm not sure if it was a dream or I was just thinking of her. I cried badly and woke up with a heartache. I walked past Breadtalk and thought of the pork floss bun she requested for the weeks before the left. I thought of the carrot cake that I promised I would get her. There's no next time or tomorrow sometimes. Seize the moment. We know it so well but we just don't practise it and only come to regret when it's too late. I'm thankful I have a very supportive husband. He was there when my g...

11 is purely a coincidental number. Business has been pretty slow after CNY and I have quite a bit of time to do some thinking lately. 2016 was a massive year for me. I have worked for 10 years then and decided to take a leap of faith to pursue my dreams. 10 months on, I have a clearer idea what I want and I'm still positive things will work out eventually. To be honest, I do miss the corporate world. I miss the interaction, the brain storming sessions, the campaigns that we pulled off, be it as a team or almost quite independently; the perks - leaves, bonuses, etc; even the so-called stability since I didn't have to worry how many pieces of clothing I'd sell today. Or not. I guess above all, I miss my social life, however boring it has been. I miss feeling I can do more than this. Taking a walk down memory lane, here are the achievements that I'm personally very proud of: 1) First job with the publishing firm - Secured my first partnership with a shoe brand...

This week has been a little rough. I've been having weird dreams/nightmare and haven't been sleeping well. In one of my dreams, I was lying on my pop's lap talking to her. I couldn't see her but I knew it was she. I think I promised her something, like bringing her somewhere. And then I suddenly realised she's not around anymore. The dream ended and my heart ached a little, even in the dream. Missing her hurts. But reminding yourself she is not here anymore each time you think of her, hurts even more. I really hope you are well now. Because at least the pain is worth it.

婆婆，过年了。 每一年，你都会很忙，还会投诉你会累到生病。 我们每一次都觉得你很爱撒娇，可是今年没了。 再也听不到你的声音，你的埋怨。 再也吃不到你准备的食物。 再也没有机会送上我们的祝福。 今年的初二，我们像往年似的去向你拜年。 不同的是，你在佛光山，我们隔着玻璃，对着你的骨灰向你问好。 婆婆，三十几年了。突然的变化是需要时间去适应的。 真的好想念你，怀念我们一起度过的快乐时光。 但是我们要坚强，要勇敢，要相亲相爱。 希望你现在是快乐，健康的。 婆婆，新年快乐。

When the clock struck 12 and I was facing Taipei, looking at the beautiful fireworks, my heart was filled with mixed feelings. I was glad a very very traumatic year is over. I was sad because you are no longer here. I was at peace because I thought nothing could be worse than the last year. At least for now. I was hopeful because I believe we will all be happy again while missing you. It's a week to Chinese New Year, your favourite time of the year. Where you are now, do you get to celebrate it? Are you surrounded by lots of good people, food and love? It's been two months. 你好吗？