Two.:.Four.:.Six

We don't celebrate Christmas but we do treat it as one of the occasions to get together, feast and have fun. A few years ago, my cousin, the main organiser introduced lucky draw and it got everyone very excited. Nothing too fanciful but the aunties and the two old folks were always eyeing the NTUC vouchers :) The first year we did it, I wasn't there cos I was at a friend's wedding. Popo won the grand prize :) They sent a video through and in the video, everyone was very happy. I have watched it a couple of times and it's one of those happy videos that make people cry. She won something subsequently and there was a year I won the grand prize, a hamper and I swooped with her sandwich maker. Last year, she said she would be looking forward to this year's. But there won't be any party. She won't be there anymore. Every Chinese New Year, we'd gather at my uncle's place on the second day. It has always been my favourite day although we have non C...

A lot. And I can't stop.

Being childless bothers me more now than ever. Perhaps it's my biological clock - I'm slower than others at times. Perhaps it's the question my grandma asked a week before she passed on. She asked if I don't want kids. Well, the answer is no. I loved kids. I have always wanted two kids - one girl and one boy, like my brother and I. Very typical I know but I was pretty good with kids when I was young. I adore my cousins, nieces & nephew but it came to a point when I realised it's too big a responsibility. And my love for kids reduced. It just wasn't strong enough for me to commit. Then work came along... travel and whatnot. Then 6 years of married life passed by. And today or rather the last few days, I started to hate myself for being selfish. The husband loves kids and I've seen how good he is around kids. Reality is he isn't young and doesn't have the healthiest lifestyle. And then it's my grandma. I know she would have loved ...

Some things you just gotta learn on your own. People tell you it hurts but they don't tell you how much it hurts. Even when you are grieving with and like everyone else, you still feel alone. The void that will be there from now on, nothing can fill that up. The voice that we are so familiar with, we can only hear it in our heads now. Mom asked us to look up to the sky when we miss you. When it's sunny, I thought of how you hated the sun. When it's gloomy, I thought of how the sky grieves with us too. When it's fine, I thought of how well you are now. And that comforts me. Because the weather was that fine the day we said goodbye. Some people take longer than others. I'm afraid for me, this time, I'm that some people. Day 11 without you.

It feels like the end of the world but it's not. Or maybe a really bad nightmare. But it's not. Time heals all wounds. But it doesn't (heal) scars. Time reminds you the distance between us. That you are long gone. The pain, I have no words for. The tears, I have no control of. Well, sometimes I try to hold them back and sometimes, I allow myself to be defiant and cry out loud. I'm worried to hold you back with those tears but I'm worried I'd stop thinking of you one day. That one day, everyone pretends you never happened. Or that we forget something along the way. People say life goes on. Sure it does. Without you that is. 2016, I fucking hate you. I know this too will pass and when I'm more at peace, I'd be able to forgive you. But I'd never forget. I'd learn to let go instead.

My dearest popo, if you can hear me right now, even though we are miles away, I just want to say THANK YOU. Thank you for taking care of me and playing a significant role in my childhood. Thank you for making sure we always eat well and enough. I'm not on a diet and will take my meals regularly. Thank you for cooking a feast whenever we are over at your place. Your pride is to see us polish all the food and we have never failed you. Thank you for cooking the fish congee for us everyday when we were young and although I hate it now, I know it was good for us. I remember it was you who got me off the pacifier cos you said I'm going to school and shouldn't be sucking one. I threw it away immediately and you praised me. I remember you told me to pay attention in class and not talk and when I did, I would return home feeling very guilty. I remember you used to chase us around the table, threatening to cane us but it was always an empty threat. Except that one time I ...

I have been trying to deal with my grandpa's death and it's not as easy as I thought. While I'm not grieving dramatically, I realised it's not easy at all to accept death. You wonder what you could have done, better. You wonder if the deceased has any regrets. You wonder where he/she is now. You think about a lot of things. Now that we are getting ready for my grandma's, I have been reading up on articles related to death and this speaks to me. I'm just going to pull out the main points. 1) When the end comes, loss is loss, and you can't always prepare for it nor predict it. We thought we were going to lose my grandpa sooner but we eventually did when we least expected it. Now that we know we are losing my grandma progressively, there's no way to predict or know when exactly that day is. All we can do is to cherish our remaining time & days with her and make her as comfortable as possible.  2) People are not always able to leave thei...

1. Acknowledge the person who greets you A hello, thank you or even a smile won't kill you will it? I make it a point to greet almost everyone who walks in and out, whether or not they have bought something and while most people do acknowledge and return the greetings, some just ignore me completely. I take it that they weren't taught manners but strangely, it's not something difficult to pick up. On Saturday, this couple in their 20s walked in. Gf was browsing and bf was staring at my aunt who was seated on the bench. My cousin's bag happened to be on the bench too and he was staring so hard as if he was trying to tell us he wanted a seat or needed something. And so I asked him if I could help him and he turned into defensive mode 101, claimed he didn't need anything and that his gf was browsing. Gf asked him what happened and he mumbled something, to which his gf replied, "because you were standing there la..." (as in near the counter, in front of ...

i think of you everyday. i figured it's because we didn't really have a closure. i didn't hear your last words, if any. i didn't see or visit you, for the last time. i didn't know much about you. i have never asked you about you, about me, about us. i don't know if we matter. i don't know what's your favourite food. i don't know much. i hate the way things ended like that. i don't look forward to your next birthday and the next Chinese New Year just because you won't be there. i wish I have done more...

The Emotions. I've always been an emotional person and I blame it on my horoscope. I'm not a big believer of zodiac sign, horoscope and whatnot but for some strange reason, I'm pretty much what my horoscope says I am - sensitive, family person & emotional, toughie on the outside but a softie on the inside :) Above all, I'm generally a happy person. One can't really tell because of my resting bitch face - which I think it's because I grew up an angry child. I was bullied and I needed that tough front to protect myself and people around me. As much as I'm generally happy, I also realised the passing of yeye has left a void in our hearts and our lives. A part of me will always be sad somehow. I think of him everyday. Even though we weren't really that close. When I watch a dying scene on TV, I think of him. When I see old folks, I think of him and the other 3 grandparents. Do I feel it more because I'm an emotional person? The Experie...

42/49 days I realise as this comes to an end, you will really be gone. It's like accepting reality once again. While I think you have already gone to a better place, accepting it again is somewhat a different story. Wherever you are, there's always a place in our hearts for you.

Losing a loved one doesn't make it easier or make one more 'experienced'. It makes you fear losing the next one and 'experience' tells you that it's going to be painful, perhaps even more so than the previous time. Sometimes I think of you and wonder where you are. Sometimes I think of that very day, that very sight and my heart aches a little. I wish you are somewhere, well.

2016年虽然只过了一半但我却学会和体会了很多。 二月决定放下坚守八年的工作岗位去创业。 因为薪水大减，这几个月来放下一些物质的欲望。 但也因为这份新工作放下了许多压力和不必要的公司或人事纠纷。 有时也必须放下一些不适合这行业的做法，诚恳学习这行的窍门。 六月看到爷爷安详地离去更让我体会的能够放下的人才会快乐。 我会继续努力学习放下。

June has always been my favourite month. But it didn't start off well as I had my first zero sale, boo hoo. Never mind I thought. I've had a zero, what could be worse? Another zero of course, wtf! Fast forward to June 18, the mahjong khakis celebrated my birthday and surprised me with a cake. June 19, celebrated with the in-laws and ended the night with some sinful durian. June 20. 230am. My phone rang. An unfamiliar number and I was so tired I decided to ignore it and switched my phone to night mode. 330am. Heard the phone beep. It was the FB message alert. For some strange reason, I opened my eyes to check my phone. Two missed calls from my brother and the first line of the FB message read your grandpa is in critical condition... I started shaking. Returned my brother's call and he said the same thing, proved that I wasn't dreaming. I hung up and read the FB message my uncle left me and yes it read my grandpa's in critical condition at Tan Tock Seng...

I've been reminding myself to not judge and to treat all of them equally.  I think I've managed to do that so far but still can't help but roll my eyes at times.  1) The rich yet stingy  These are the ones who carry Hermes but find your clothes too expensive (seriously one Hermes is equivalent to my entire rack of clothes or more) and will never fail to ask for a discount. I meet such people the most.  2) The I'm too skinny for Korean clothes  There are some who are really skinny and nothing seems to fit but there are also some who are actually not that skinny and don't understand Korean clothes are mostly not body hugging.  3) The loose fitting clothes make me look fat or fatter No, your food, lifestyle and probably genes make you fat. Do you really think body hugging clothes will actually make you look slimmer? You are merely highlighting the flaws of your body.  4) The was there a typhoon here after you left  Treat the ...

Another overdue post. Guess it matches how overdue my Japan trip was. I was told by my uncle when I was 8 that he'd bring me to Japan one day. Since then, I've been wanting to visit. Or at least I thought I was really going. But that didn't happen and when I was older, the radiation has stopped us several times until recently I figured what if we never get pregnant? Does that mean we never get to visit Japan? So many couples returned pregnant so maybe we should be there too? Anyway, I went ahead to book the tickets, much to some people's disapproval. But, I'm quite stubborn when I'm set on something so off we went. Strangely, I wasn't as excited as I thought when I just landed. Perhaps it was 5 in the morning and I didn't sleep much during the red eye flight. And when we reached Shinjuku, I was quite surprised the clean city was nowhere in sight. Couldn't help but feel disappointed. And it didn't help that we couldn't check in. S...

I'm never quite a risk taker. After all, I was not brought up that way. Study hard, work in an office, suit up and walk well in those heels. That's how I grow up thinking what I'd be. And I did become that person. I could have studied harder and got a better degree but that's the past. I did work in an international firm and made my way up, although not that high. I don't own a suit cos formal dress code is not quite me. I do own a few pairs of heels. Which I've told often enough I don't need them. And I loved my jobs. Well, I found the love of my life at my first job. I didn't love the second job but the people think made it bearable and memorable. I gave my all with the third. Eight years. Almost. But at the back of my mind, there's this dream. Having my own little boutique and wearing the clothes I sell. And then, I did it. Kinda just like that. At 33 years old, exactly 10 years after I've worked in the corporate world. I ...

Dear Molly, I was having the time of my life in the last two months. I went to Japan for the first time, a place that I've been wanting to go since I was 8. I flew to New York for work, on business class for the first time. I saw snow for the first time. I thought I was so blessed to have experienced so many firsts and check items off my bucket list. Until we learned that we are going to lose you anytime. And these things don't matter anymore. How did that happen? How would we know that the last Christmas family party was the last one that got you out of the house, out of the bed? How would I know that the last photo I took with you then was the last time you took it sitting up right? How would I know that the last phone call you made to me was possibly the last time you held the phone yourself? How would we know that your last car ride was in an ambulance and that the last time you got out of the bed we almost lost you? When did we stop listening and talking to...